An Examined Life is an Erotic One

We spend so much time optimizing our days, moving through the motions on autopilot, often leaving little room for reflection. The disconnection, discontentment, and disease we experience may have something to do with packed schedules and busy minds. In the therapy office, couples may say they feel disconnected, and individuals might say they’re feeling lonely.

My favorite questions to ask regarding these symptoms include:

What does connection mean to you?

What does it mean to be authentically yourself?

When do you get to take a pause to reflect or connect?

Introspection is more than a tool for regulation; it’s a strategy for aliveness.

An Examined Life is an Erotic Life. Jack Morin wrote in the Erotic Mind that many goals are rooted in two motivations: pushes and pulls. Push motivations nudge into action when the discomfort of the status quo becomes intolerable. Emotions such as fear, guilt, hurt, loneliness, and desperation serve as push motivators. Push motivations demand feeling the pain of staying the same to create changes. We move from unconscious patterns to consciously understanding them, and face the pain within the wisdom as we move through the messy change process.

Pull motivations help us see possibilities and entice us to move towards a more fulfilling life. Pull motivations help us to believe in ourselves and our capabilities to live how we desire. Push and pull motivations work in tandem to encourage living erotically- with aliveness. Push and pull motivations are the contrast of light and dark- both can help if we allow them.

Anti-motivations are the deep fears that cause resistance to change. Am I worthy of love? I’m never going to feel secure. Am I good enough for the promotion? These are examples of anti-motivators that keep us stuck. Buying anti-motivators as truth leaves keeps us paralyzed. They’re tricky because we don’t always see them on a conscious level, but they are the beliefs running the show.

Map Your Motivations. Map out your motivations, including pull motivators, push motivators, and antimotivations. Writing helps us see the thoughts running in our minds that drive our actions. Once you see them, you can do something with them. Here’s an example:

Push motivation: Sick of feeling lonely

Pull motivation: Want more intimacy and genuine connection

Anti-motivation: Hard to believe that there’s someone out there for me

Navigate the Gray. To feel fully alive is to feel the pain of hard work not always yielding the exact result we want. For anyone who has experienced relational distress, you know exactly how this feels. There’s the grief that comes with acknowledging that current patterns cause pain. What was once enjoyable no longer feels good. It’s like enjoying ice cream every night and becoming lactose intolerant. We have to acknowledge the frustration of new endeavors, such as altering dating patterns, setting boundaries with a parent who keeps overruling them, or making new friends who align with you, only to feel like nothing is working. Navigating gray zones- the space of becoming- requires understanding the pain of hopelessness when we work hard to improve our lives. Our internal resources guide us in the process. They’re the characteristics that have been put to the test time and time again and used to combat anti-motivators.

Medicine for Change. Compassion is often prescribed as a medicinal ingredient for effective change. Compassion in practice means qualifying the challenges you’ve overcome as notable qualities. Notice times when you took a risk and trusted yourself that you could take on a challenge. Maybe you moved to a new city, started a new job, or tried a new activity. Notice the inner resources that got you there. Maybe it’s boldness, passion, optimism, or self-trust. The active process of stress-testing our internal resources leads to deeper self-knowledge that sustains us throughout life.

Live Erotically,

Brittani

This week Jaclyn is back on the How to Relate podcast! We're talking situationships, defining emotional availability, the positive side of dating in your 30's, and more!

Situationships, Emotional Av... Apr 3 · How to Relate 55:22   ​

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