Family Therapy for One

"Just when you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family." Ram Dass

If the holiday season had a brand message, it would be the above quote. The statement every therapist hears this time of year sounds like: "I've done so much growth, but being around my family takes me back." Family dynamics bring our past selves to the surface. We feel old wounds and past behaviors show up as if we're in our personal time-traveling body double. Families remind us of who we were, where we came from, how we've changed, and how we've stayed the same. Holding these reminders brings up complex emotions.

• Anxiety about going back to who we were when we see ourselves as different from who we've become.
• Misunderstood and want to feel seen for who we are now, rather than the previous version people remember us as.
• Resentment of past hurts and the urge to fight for change in the family system.
• Confusion about navigating changes as the family evolves and longs for the idealized version of togetherness.

Family units cocreate a shared emotional system. You know the feeling when you walk into a friend's house and their family appears quiet yet tense, the family who yells at one another while denying their anger, or the family whose laughter and togetherness fill the air. The shared emotional space creates a system where each family member adopts roles, scripts, and communication styles that fit the drama.

Therapy Most People Avoid. If your mom said, "We're going to family therapy," what would your immediate reaction be? Very few families engage in this kind of work voluntarily. Yet a significant part of individual therapy requires processing family matters. Families are our first classroom: how we learn to love, be loved, communicate, emotionally regulate, argue, have conflict, and share a bathroom-house with siblings. Like breaking down writing structures, math equations, and the periodic table, it's worth examining the elements of our emotional and relational upbringing.

Elements that shape us:

Boundaries: Boundaries are defined as the points where one thing ends and another begins. The term codependency means a person lacks boundaries in their sense of self- emotions, identity, self-esteem. When internal boundaries blur with others, dependency on others to feel okay fuels one's role. When boundaries are too rigid, a disconnected, often tense environment shapes the family system's sentiment. People feel they're walking on invisible eggshells- there may not be outward aggression, but there's a silent strain among family members. Boundaries where family members have a clear sense of self and the ability to regulate emotionally create a foundational structure of interconnectedness.

Individuation: "I just want my family to see me for who I am now, not who I was," is a statement of individuation. Developmentally, this process is highlighted during toddlerhood and adolescence, but I consider it lifelong. As toddlers, we recognize our separateness from our parents, creating an existential crisis that straddles independence and the need for caregivers. "I want to peel my own banana, but I need you to change my diaper," creates deep distress for young children. Adolescence is defined by separating from the family, emphasizing the importance of friends, and discerning individual values. The ever-long individuation process defines who one is becoming while maintaining familial belonging.

Communication: What we do say, don't say, and how we speak shapes familial norms. If families were a theater production, each member has a role and a script. Each script aims to keep the drama ongoing, longer than Grey's Anatomy. Family subsystems share their unique code as well. Siblings share code language, parents share looks, and couples share intimate moments.

Roles: Every member adopts a role to keep the family functioning (even in the dysfunction). In the article "Six Family Roles that Influence Your Relationship," I review each family role and its relevance to our romantic partnerships. You can identify family roles by asking:

Who holds the power in the family?

What is my part in the system?

How has my role served my own needs, and what needs have been negotiated through fulfilling this role?

Emotional Regulation: Families learn to co-regulate. In attachment theory, children attune to the adults around them for security and survival. Children sense when adults appear anxious, unstable, or calm and centered. Through coregulation, we learn strategies that often fulfill our role. A parentified child regulates by scanning the room to assess eradic behavior and quickly attune emotionally to keep the peace before disruption. The easy one will avoid conflict at all costs and regulate by shrinking down and keeping small.

Conflict: Humanistic family therapist Virginia Satir observed various patterns within family systems. She found that within the fight-or-flight framework, common defenses played out. You may be able to identify the common strategies within your family of origin:

Blame—Blame

Blame—Placate

Blame—Withdraw

Blame—Distract

Placate—Placate

Withdraw—Withdraw

This holiday season, take an observational approach. Curiosity creates a vehicle for compassion. The more understanding you can give yourself and family members, the more you'll be able to find ease in the comfortable chaos you're so familiar with. Holiday with ease this season.

Happy Holidays,

Brittani

On the podcast:​
Jaclyn Ditter and I review the best and worst singles and dating events of 2025. Plus we give advice for how to meet people in the wild, including the gym and pickleball. Listen Here​

Daniel Fleshner drops AI knowledge and the world of mental health. Check it out here​

Kim Konderla talks about our inner child and parenting from the inside out (perfect for this time of year). Listen here.​