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Looking Back at Marriage:
How did we get here?
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Anyone who is single and dating most likely has asked the question, "How did I get here?" The dating apps are metaphorical to a bar where no one wants to be, but it's 2:00 AM and there's no other option. Where are they? How do I meet people? Am I going to be single forever? The creators of the show Nobody Wants This aptly named the rom-com that has swept the nation for its relatability (until the second season, but I'll refrain from further tangents) and candor about modern dating. Dating apps may have happened overnight, but societal changes in dating have been evolving throughout history. For a brief moment, let's look back in time to understand how we've bridged marital business with romantic pursuits, and aim to answer, How did we get here?​
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The Romantic Era (Excellent Branding). The Romantic era of the late 18th century continues to influence our ideals of romance. The French Revolution, economics and politics, and art and literature shifted the landscape from abiding by political and societal systems to opening possibilities. The rise of individualism succeeded the collectivist dating model. Courting meant finding the person you wanted to marry based on personal ideals, emotion, and the sensational feelings romance brings. Marriage had little to do with love and all to do with getting in-laws, according to historian Stephanie Coontz. She explains that, during this time, conservative ideals held that love might hinder marriage. How do we prevent people from marrying the wrong person? Who has access to marriage? What happens if love and respect fall apart in the relationship? How do we handle divorce? Love destabilized the institution of marriage, which led to the enactment of marital laws. (See below).

Marriage and the Economy. It wasn't until 1974 that women could have a credit card and own a home (Equal Credit Opportunity Act). Women depended on men for basic security needs, and rigid gender roles kept the "stabilization" of choice marriages intact. According to Pew research, the share of adults ages 25 to 54 who are currently married fell from 67% in 1990 to 53% in 2019. The number of adults who have never been married has also grown – from 17% to 33%. All of this churn has resulted in a significant increase in the share of unpartnered individuals.

Fast forward to today, and the evolution of gender roles, culture, laws, policies, economic structures, and societal norms influences dating and mating culture. As stated in the What's Happening with Young Men article, women outnumber men in higher education (58%). Women, on average, earn approximately 95% of their male counterparts' income, and women in New York, LA, and Washington, DC have outearned men, earning 102% of men's earnings. Cohabiting now means that spouses share household chores, coparent, and share financial responsibilities.

Modern Family. In family systems, the role of the father has evolved the most over time. Millennial fathers have more involvement in their children's lives than any previous generation. All of these changes have altered family hierarchy and structure, setting new expectations for children about how they grow up. The happiness of the individual factors into the happiness of the marriage, and overall, marriages are more satisfactory than they ever were before. Essentially, we're looking for co-founders whose life vision aligns with our ideals, values, and best interests.

Frictionless Ideals. So this brings me back to the original question: Why is dating so damn difficult? When we demand more of ourselves we demand more of others. Most people seek fulfillment, career growth, opportunities, and travel- which sounds like a dating app profile. Romantic consumerism demands to see what's next, is there better, and operates under the guise that there are always more options. Singles hop on a hedonic hamster wheel of dating, only to feel unfilled by the process. While we have more opportunities than ever before, our insatiable pursuit for optimization stems from chronic dissatisfaction. If we keep discarding people with icks, quirks, red flags, and height preferences, we're buying into the notion that no one is right for us, leaving us with hopeless despair.

The Good News. According to Brené Brown, vulnerability consists of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Modern dating requires all three, and it's a beautiful thing. Dating can be fun, flirty, leave us with mystery, and excitement if we let it. Singles aren't the only ones experiencing this type of vulnerability. Couples often delay date nights and go too long without encountering one another in a flirtatious, mysterious way. Dating- no matter our relationship status- exposes us. Society has done the hard work of breaking through oppressive, suppressive, and depressive systems inhibiting the freedom of love. It's up to us to date daringly in our own way.

To Modern Love,

Brittani

Straight from Google:

A few laws that have evolved in the US include:

• 1967 Loving vs Virgina: Supreme Court struck down state laws banning interracial marriage, affirming marriage as a fundamental right.
• 2013: United States v. Windsor: Struck down part of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), requiring federal recognition of state-legal same-sex marriages.
• 2015: Obergefell v. Hodges: Legalized same-sex marriage nationwide, requiring all states to license and recognize such marriages.
• 2022: Respect for Marriage Act (RMA): Codified federal recognition for same-sex and interracial marriages, requiring states to respect valid marriages from other states.
• No-Fault Divorce: California, under Governor Reagan (1969), pioneered this, allowing divorce without proving fault (like adultery), a trend soon followed by other states.
• 1933 Independent Citizenship: Married women gained citizenship independent of their husbands.

Want more on modern relationships? Check out these episodes on the How to Relate podcast:
​Understanding Each Other: A Deep Dive Into Relationship Dynamics with Christian Charette
​Exploring Desire: Understanding Desire and Keeping in Alive with Jen Wynn
​Love and Consumerism: A Deep Dive into Modern Romance solo episode
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