Reflections on Time

August 4th marks another year around the sun for me, which brings up reflections, feelings, an existential crisis, and gratitude. In previous years, I’ve taken trips to mark a getaway, in part because I love marking a new beginning with an adventure, and in part because the idea of sitting still and being in the same physical space might bring up feelings I’ll happily avoid. The problem is that avoidance gives power to whatever it is you’re avoiding. At some point, those feelings surface, sometimes creating a hostage situation, and there’s no way out. Here’s what past me needed to hear.

Time is happening no matter what, so make the most of it. The subtle (or not so subtle) aggression of self-improvement is like an anchor that takes you down when you’re trying to keep moving. The questions that come harshly ask:

Another year gone by, what do I have to show for it?

Did I accomplish anything I said I would last year?

Will life ever look the way I want it to?

What else can I do to make my life better?

If only my past self knew better.
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Battle of Acceptance. The process of acceptance feels like a battle in pursuit of peace. Practicing presence can feel deceptive when you’re unsatisfied with the moment you’re in, how life is, or chronically thinking of how it should be. Wanting can be tricky business, and each one of the seven deadly sins serves as a reminder for what happens when we cling to wanting more. At times, books, quotes, and anecdotes find you at the right moment.

Oliver Burkeman wrote in his book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals:
“There is an alternative: the unfashionable but powerful notion of letting time use you, approaching life not as an opportunity to implement your predetermined plans for success but as a matter of responding to the needs of your place and your moment in history.”

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Time Control. There’s only so much we can control, and time is not one of them. No matter how much we try to hold onto youth, time only moves in one direction. Getting stuck in our past — self-berating our past selves — and worrying about our future — chronic uncertainty leading to anxiety — is the definition of suffering. Comparison is not only the thief of joy, but it’s the thief of our desires.

To My Past Self. It’s helpful to remember that in the past I dreamed of being where I am now. It’s okay to have new dreams, different wants, and goals for the future, and my past self was a daring dreamer. It’s a part of me I almost forgot was there. When we get critical of ourselves, we forget our strengths that created resiliency, took risks, and saw actionable potential. That’s where gratitude and acceptance come into play. This isn’t a gratitude that says everything worked out, nor is it acceptance to stop trying. It’s a deep gratitude that past me had the guts to dream in the first place, and took risks along the way.

Keep Dreaming, Keep Taking Risks,

Brittani