Grateful to have you! I'm Brittani, a relationship therapist, yogi, writer, runner, and latte lover. Each week you'll receive thought-provoking letters written to generate insights toward creating resilient, intimate, fulfilling relationships.
The Spectrum of Saints and Sinners
The Spectrum of Saints and Sinners Is when the devil shows up on your dashboard again Look at you go, crossin' state lines with your shadow Tryna run away Change your zipcode Turns out that you're still an asshole.” Dashboard- Noah Kahan, The Great Divide Noah Kahan’s album The Great Divide swept the nation with every song topping the Billboard Top 100 list. If you’ve listened to the album, you most likely feel emotionally assaulted by lyrics that shine light into feelings you’ve carried in the dark. The divide Kahan refers to is between who we are and who we are becoming. Past people, events, and stories collide with who we are as we evolve. Out of desperation to heal scars from the past, one might blame any person or institution that hurt us, whether that’s our parents, the town we grew up in, teachers, or religion. When we’re looking to feel relief, we’ll demonize the sinners that surround us in order to become the heroes and saints of our story. It’s a struggle built into the human experience. What if freeing ourselves of this dichotomy means accepting that we’re all on the spectrum of saints and sinners? Villify, Victimize, Avenge. The inner self-improvement aggressor says you need to do better, and there’s always better to be done. The devil that shows up on the dashboard refers to our inner demons that surface when we’re engaging in growth practices. This is when self-righteousness tempts us to look down on those who could be doing the same. The modern world of Instagram and TikTok therapy, along with AI chatbots, has taken the place of religious contexts by creating a different kind of grandiosity, looking down on those who don’t engage in therapy or self-help, and who tend to misuse the term "boundaries." The temptation to vilify others’ behavior is seductive, but it leads to a trap that straddles the line between victimhood and vengeance. Heroes and Villains Among Us. The Dark Knight quote, “You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain," refers to the human concept of power. Tiger Woods, JFK, Coco Chanel, and Kurt Cobain are all examples of people with power, talent, and notoriety. Ultimately, they all have struggled publicly with their demons of addiction, affairs, and pushing limits recklessly. The greatest disservice we can do is neglect getting to know the inner parts of us that can cause destruction. We can see how Tiger’s critical father may contribute to his addiction battle, JFK’s pressure and power transferred into affairs and seduction, Coco Chanel’s life as an orphan led her to do whatever she needed to survive and thrive, and Kurt Cobain was partaking in recreational activities that most troubled musicians of the 90’s were doing. Inserting moral judgments negates understanding. Understanding does not equate to condoning, but it is a step toward taking a more nuanced approach when we’re talking about difficulties in relationships. Getting to Know Your Inner Demons. Use these three frameworks to get to know your inner-demons. Courage over Fear: It takes courage to do things differently (dare I say, be wrong). When we fear becoming our parents, failing at our jobs, getting into the wrong relationship, we create maladaptive patterns. Are you running away? Making everyone else the bad guy in your story? Not making any moves so you don’t get hurt? It takes courage to acknowledge these are your patterns. Understanding over Blame: Understand your patterns without blaming yourself or others. You can recognize how your inner critic sounds like your parents or third-grade teacher, but blaming them will leave you stuck in resentment. Action over Complacency: Complacency can seem proactive when we’re scrolling through self-help content on social media and “learning” more about ourselves. Consuming more information keeps us complacent. An action can be calling a relative you have a difficult relationship with to show you care. Intentionally meet someone new one day each week. Offer to help a friend, whether it’s a ride to the airport or moving. Relational actions help us heal our inner demons. Take actions that make you no longer the asshole. Cheers to Us Saints and Sinners, Brittani |
How to Relate
Grateful to have you! I'm Brittani, a relationship therapist, yogi, writer, runner, and latte lover. Each week you'll receive thought-provoking letters written to generate insights toward creating resilient, intimate, fulfilling relationships.